Written 3/9/13
It is beyond frustrating to want to do things and not be
able. I long to be able to be fully
independent, but I’m not able at present.
I need rides places and probably should be asking for help with household
and work tasks and errands. I HATE limitations (and I don’t usually use the
word “hate” but nothing else is adequate).
I’m so frustrated and discouraged.
One would think that over a decade would be long enough to get used to
how to deal with things effectively…but no, apparently not.
I’m tired. Tired of
having to decide which activities to prioritize because I know I will not be
able to do everything. Tired of having
to say “no” to fun activities in order to be able to do required work. Tired of having to decline one planned fun
event in order to be able to attend another event because I know I won’t be
able to manage both. Tired of using all
my energy for work and having nothing left over for meeting with friends. Tired of working so hard just to keep going
half-way normally. (Again, what is
normal? I don’t know. The old “normal” is long gone. The new “normal” is anything but what I would
have ever called “normal” in a healthy condition.) Tired of the effort required
to get through a single day. Tired of not being able to plan ahead because I
don’t know what my body will be able to handle.
Tired of having to back out of things at the last minute. Tired of the
loneliness that results from not being able to go places and do things. Tired of the other loneliness that results
from the inability of others to even begin to comprehend what life with chronic
illness and pain is like. Tired of
having to plan so much just for basic, every day things. Tired of limitations. Tired of being
tired. Tired of pain all day every day,
day after day, night after night, years on end, no end in sight.
OK, end of little pity party. Now, back to trying to be my usual cheerful
self. I think I just get overly tired of
how much work it takes just to appear normal.
I spend so much effort on trying to live life as normally as possible
and drawing as little attention as possible.
But once in awhile, the self pity creeps in and for a very brief time I
do wish others would realize the effort it takes me to just live life. I would never wish what I live with on anyone
else. However, sometimes it would just
be nice to have the amount of work required to survive daily life recognized. Some days, I honestly don’t know how I even
get through the day. Those are the days
that God makes it obvious He is carrying me.
I am truly grateful for my loving supportive family. I am also so thankful for the few friends I
have who also live with pain and thus truly do understand what life is
like. Above all, I am grateful for a
loving God who knows me better than I know myself and knows best what I truly
need.
No comments:
Post a Comment