Give Me a Break

For the second time in the past several months I have found myself wishing for a break from being me.  When I realized I was thinking this and stopped to figure out why, I discovered it isn’t a break from being me that I want but a break from the difficulties.  This time I did not stop with this realization but analyzed the source of the frustration…  I know this time it was easy to figure out based on timing, but last time may have been triggered by similar circumstances and I just didn’t realize it.  The root of the discontent with the problems is not really even the problems themselves.  So, the years of learning to live as normally and productively as possible in spite of daily constant pain has been helpful.  The root of the current issue is thinking about breaks in the first place.  It was spring break.  This meant a much anticipated break from classes (or more realistically a chance to catch up with coursework), although I still had research tasks.  Having worked full time prior to deciding to go to college, breaks are not something I even expect, so having to work through spring break is not really that big of deal.  The problem: knowing I get a break from classes on a regular basis and knowing I get a couple of weeks of vacation from work a year…but NEVER get a break from pain or managing it and the other chronic conditions.  I know I am not the only person with chronic pain or chronic health conditions. I know the pain and other issues I deal with are not really that serious in the grand scheme of things.  I am able to compensate and cope well most of the time, live productively, appear normal--although the new normal is nothing like the old normal.  Most people would never guess what I live with 100% of the time.  I prefer it this way.  I prefer to avoid attention.  I prefer not to be noticed.  This is why I minimize pain and illness and hide what I am experiencing; however, I still long for a break.  Just one day would be nice.  But, I do not foresee it ever happening.  I participated in a research study on chronic pain.  One of the questions in the surveys asked about my degree of confidence in various aspects of life that may be influenced by pain.  In general, I am very confident in my ability to do most of the items in spite of pain.  However, there is one item that I always responded that I was not at all confident of being able to ever do--live life normally.  Can I live life as normally as possible?  Yes, definitely.  Can I live life such that no one else would guess the true situation (and most would think my life is normal)?  Most likely.  Can I live normally?  Absolutely not!  Why not?  It takes way too much time and effort on a daily basis to manage pain enough to be at my optimal functional capacity and productive enough to accomplish required responsibilities.  Am I being unrealistic in my views?  Possibly, but I don’t think so.  I do NOT count exercise, healthy diet, relaxation, quiet time, downtime/hobbies, etc. when considering time involved in pain management even though each of these is crucial.  Why don’t I consider them?  Because these are items that in my opinion belong in every person’s life as part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle.  So, what do I count?  The other therapies and treatments: heat, ice, TENS, NMES, medications (and tracking them to ensure timely dosing and to avoid overdosing, coping with the side effects they cause, etc.), provider appointments (primary care physician, various specialists, physical therapist, chiropractor, massage therapist, etc.). Sure, heat or ice or medications may be needed by anyone temporarily for a minor injury or something; and yes, doctor appointments will still be necessary…but not the number of appointments as at present and not the number of providers as at present.  I’m sure I probably missed things in my lists.  I was not really trying to be fully inclusive so much as give a clear example of my perspective and why I struggle to see myself ever living a “normal” life again.  There is a new “normal” and for the most part I have accepted it even though it gets wearing sometimes.  

Instead of looking for a break, I need to remember that God has allowed the current situation and He has a reason.  I need to trust Him and look to Him for the strength needed to get through each moment of each day.  He is faithful and good in all He does!

2 Corinthians 12:6-10 (NIV) 

⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+12&version=NIV