Thankful

After several weeks of inability to drive much (some times not at all), it is looking like maybe I can drive again!  It required getting both my car and my body back into suitable condition to drive.  I am so grateful for those who helped me with figuring out the problem with the car and getting it fixed (especially my brother!).  I am also very grateful for the assistance in getting my body back into shape to drive again...at least for now.  I am grateful to be off of the medications that were causing the most difficulty and to have pain levels decreased enough to be able to manage slightly longer drives than being limited to local area only.

Also, a HUGE thank you to all who provided rides in the meantime when I could not drive or my car was not drivable!!!!  This was such an encouragement to me.  

It is the little things that matter.  If for no other reason than that it teaches me to appreciate what I do have, the constant physical challenges truly are a blessing.  Sometimes, it can be hard to view them this way, but I do believe God has a reason in all He allows.  I'm trying to see the positive in all.  Having lost some abilities temporarily and others permanently has taught me to be grateful for what I do have and not complain about what I do not have.  God is sufficient in all.

Epic Fail

In an attempt to avoid an ER trip, I instead ended up getting myself sent to the ER.  (Yes, this would be the second time in less than 2 weeks. Yes, I checked out fine-of course.)

Give Me a Break

For the second time in the past several months I have found myself wishing for a break from being me.  When I realized I was thinking this and stopped to figure out why, I discovered it isn’t a break from being me that I want but a break from the difficulties.  This time I did not stop with this realization but analyzed the source of the frustration…  I know this time it was easy to figure out based on timing, but last time may have been triggered by similar circumstances and I just didn’t realize it.  The root of the discontent with the problems is not really even the problems themselves.  So, the years of learning to live as normally and productively as possible in spite of daily constant pain has been helpful.  The root of the current issue is thinking about breaks in the first place.  It was spring break.  This meant a much anticipated break from classes (or more realistically a chance to catch up with coursework), although I still had research tasks.  Having worked full time prior to deciding to go to college, breaks are not something I even expect, so having to work through spring break is not really that big of deal.  The problem: knowing I get a break from classes on a regular basis and knowing I get a couple of weeks of vacation from work a year…but NEVER get a break from pain or managing it and the other chronic conditions.  I know I am not the only person with chronic pain or chronic health conditions. I know the pain and other issues I deal with are not really that serious in the grand scheme of things.  I am able to compensate and cope well most of the time, live productively, appear normal--although the new normal is nothing like the old normal.  Most people would never guess what I live with 100% of the time.  I prefer it this way.  I prefer to avoid attention.  I prefer not to be noticed.  This is why I minimize pain and illness and hide what I am experiencing; however, I still long for a break.  Just one day would be nice.  But, I do not foresee it ever happening.  I participated in a research study on chronic pain.  One of the questions in the surveys asked about my degree of confidence in various aspects of life that may be influenced by pain.  In general, I am very confident in my ability to do most of the items in spite of pain.  However, there is one item that I always responded that I was not at all confident of being able to ever do--live life normally.  Can I live life as normally as possible?  Yes, definitely.  Can I live life such that no one else would guess the true situation (and most would think my life is normal)?  Most likely.  Can I live normally?  Absolutely not!  Why not?  It takes way too much time and effort on a daily basis to manage pain enough to be at my optimal functional capacity and productive enough to accomplish required responsibilities.  Am I being unrealistic in my views?  Possibly, but I don’t think so.  I do NOT count exercise, healthy diet, relaxation, quiet time, downtime/hobbies, etc. when considering time involved in pain management even though each of these is crucial.  Why don’t I consider them?  Because these are items that in my opinion belong in every person’s life as part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle.  So, what do I count?  The other therapies and treatments: heat, ice, TENS, NMES, medications (and tracking them to ensure timely dosing and to avoid overdosing, coping with the side effects they cause, etc.), provider appointments (primary care physician, various specialists, physical therapist, chiropractor, massage therapist, etc.). Sure, heat or ice or medications may be needed by anyone temporarily for a minor injury or something; and yes, doctor appointments will still be necessary…but not the number of appointments as at present and not the number of providers as at present.  I’m sure I probably missed things in my lists.  I was not really trying to be fully inclusive so much as give a clear example of my perspective and why I struggle to see myself ever living a “normal” life again.  There is a new “normal” and for the most part I have accepted it even though it gets wearing sometimes.  

Instead of looking for a break, I need to remember that God has allowed the current situation and He has a reason.  I need to trust Him and look to Him for the strength needed to get through each moment of each day.  He is faithful and good in all He does!

2 Corinthians 12:6-10 (NIV) 

⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+12&version=NIV

Homemade Hot Cocoa Mix

This is another recipe from last fall.  I have been doing a lot of experiementing to come up with my own recipes for things instead of buying already made versions.  It has been a lot of fun!

Hot Cocoa Mix

(3^rd try 12/1/12)

1 c cocoa

1 c sugar

3 c milk powder

3/8 t salt

Mix together. Store until ready to use.  Add ~1/3-1/2 c? to ~1 1/2 c hot water or coffee (or milk). 

This recipe was loosely based off several variations I found, then further experimented with.  I was not sure I was done with the recipe yet but since this is still the way I make it nearly 4 months later, I'd say it is probably the final version.  I usually add the mix to ~1 cup of coffee and ~1/2 c of milk for homemade mocha. 

Homemade Chili

This is another relatively recent recipe (from last fall) using dry beans and cooking them in the crock pot.

Chili
10/25/12

1 lb red beans (~2 c)
1 lb 93/7 ground beef (or turkey)
2 T chili powder
1 T cumin
½ t garlic powder
1 t onion powder
1-2 t celery salt (to taste)
~1 ½ t salt (to taste)
1 can tomato paste mixed with 1 can water
V8 (a few cups, I just poured)

Sort, rinse beans, cover with several inches of water and soak overnight.  Drain, pour into crock pot and cover with a few inches of water.  Crumble in ground beef (yes, raw; may brown and drain in advance if prefer). Add chili powder, cumin, garlic powder and onion powder.  Cook until beans are as tender as desired.  Add celery salt, regular salt, tomato paste, and V8 to taste and desired consistency.  Let simmer on low to allow flavors to blend.  *Note: Do NOT add celery salt, table salt, tomato paste or V8 until after beans are as tender as desired.  Salt and acid delay softening of beans which will make things take longer.

I cooked the beans, meat and spices on high for a few hours, then added the salt and tomato and cooked on low for a few more hours.  Time and setting is flexible and depends on time available and desired consistency of final product. (I actually did NOT soak the beans overnight when I first made this.  I forgot to soak them and rather than waiting an entire day to start, I decided to just try without soaking and it still worked great!)

The ground beef can be browned and drained in advance, but it was novel to try crumbling it in raw.  It was fully cooked within a couple of hours and the beans were tender by ~4 hours (on high).  I only use raw meat if it as at least 93% lean.  Anything less lean, I brown and drain off the fat prior to adding.

Note with cooking beans-the older the beans the longer they take to cook.  The beans I used had been purchased not long before making this recipe.

Homemade Hummus

I've continued to experiment with cooking beans starting from dry beans.  This recipe is modified from a recipe my sister gave me.

Hummus

~1 ¾-2 c cooked chick peas, drained (save liquid)
2 cloves garlic, pressed (or 1/4 t garlic powder)
½ t salt
1/3 c tahini
~4 t lemon juice (to taste)
bean cooking liquid to desired consistency

Sort, rinse and cover chick peas (garbanzo beans) with several inches of water and soak overnight. Drain beans, pour into crock pot and cover with several inches of water.  Cook until beans are tender.  (Several hours on low. It takes less time on high, but I was gone most for the day so used low since I was not there to monitor.) Place all ingredients in blender and blend all together until smooth.  

The original recipe called for 1 can of chick peas, so I estimated how much to use.  I suspect anywhere between ~1 ½ to 2 c will work. I cooked an entire pound of chick peas knowing it was more than needed.  I have cooked and frozen beans before so figured I could just freeze the extra for the future. This was my first time making hummus using beans cooked from dry.  I’ve always used canned beans before.  I was excited this still turned out well!

My favorite foods to eat with hummus: red pepper strips, fresh homemade tortillas, Triscuits, baby carrots, or using the hummus as a spread in wraps, etc.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

My body has this amazing ability to test “normal” even when it is displaying symptoms that are anything but normal.  This has been extremely frustrating over the years.  Recently, a friend challenged me to think of the situation a little differently.  She encouraged me with the verse Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  This really struck me.  I’m very familiar with the verse as the entire psalm is one of my (many) favorites.  However, I had never thought of it in the context of the unique way my body responds to things. Instead of getting frustrated, I need to choose to remember that God made me the way He did and my body is simply responding according the unique way God programmed it to do.  I need to remember that God is the great Physician and He knows exactly what my body is doing.  He can give me wisdom to know what to do to support my body and He can also give wisdom to the various physicians and other providers working to help me.  

This afternoon was another normal EKG in response to worsening of the chest pain.  Last week, it was a normal chest x-ray and normal blood tests.  I have had normal echocardiograms, normal lung function tests, normal CT scans, normal MRIs…the list goes on.  I have a very “normal” body that feels anything but “normal” and that forces me to live a life that is anything other than “normal.”  Who needs “normal” anyway?  I am unique and choose to rejoice in that fact!

Psalm 139 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV