Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

My body has this amazing ability to test “normal” even when it is displaying symptoms that are anything but normal.  This has been extremely frustrating over the years.  Recently, a friend challenged me to think of the situation a little differently.  She encouraged me with the verse Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  This really struck me.  I’m very familiar with the verse as the entire psalm is one of my (many) favorites.  However, I had never thought of it in the context of the unique way my body responds to things. Instead of getting frustrated, I need to choose to remember that God made me the way He did and my body is simply responding according the unique way God programmed it to do.  I need to remember that God is the great Physician and He knows exactly what my body is doing.  He can give me wisdom to know what to do to support my body and He can also give wisdom to the various physicians and other providers working to help me.  

This afternoon was another normal EKG in response to worsening of the chest pain.  Last week, it was a normal chest x-ray and normal blood tests.  I have had normal echocardiograms, normal lung function tests, normal CT scans, normal MRIs…the list goes on.  I have a very “normal” body that feels anything but “normal” and that forces me to live a life that is anything other than “normal.”  Who needs “normal” anyway?  I am unique and choose to rejoice in that fact!

Psalm 139 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&version=NIV

Positive Perspective

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)

More Processing

Installment 2 (Installment 1 can be seen here).
Written 3/9/13 

It is beyond frustrating to want to do things and not be able.  I long to be able to be fully independent, but I’m not able at present.  I need rides places and probably should be asking for help with household and work tasks and errands. I HATE limitations (and I don’t usually use the word “hate” but nothing else is adequate).  I’m so frustrated and discouraged.  One would think that over a decade would be long enough to get used to how to deal with things effectively…but no, apparently not.  

I’m tired.  Tired of having to decide which activities to prioritize because I know I will not be able to do everything.  Tired of having to say “no” to fun activities in order to be able to do required work.  Tired of having to decline one planned fun event in order to be able to attend another event because I know I won’t be able to manage both.  Tired of using all my energy for work and having nothing left over for meeting with friends.  Tired of working so hard just to keep going half-way normally.  (Again, what is normal? I don’t know. The old “normal” is long gone.  The new “normal” is anything but what I would have ever called “normal” in a healthy condition.) Tired of the effort required to get through a single day. Tired of not being able to plan ahead because I don’t know what my body will be able to handle.  Tired of having to back out of things at the last minute. Tired of the loneliness that results from not being able to go places and do things.  Tired of the other loneliness that results from the inability of others to even begin to comprehend what life with chronic illness and pain is like.  Tired of having to plan so much just for basic, every day things.  Tired of limitations. Tired of being tired.  Tired of pain all day every day, day after day, night after night, years on end, no end in sight. 

OK, end of little pity party.  Now, back to trying to be my usual cheerful self.  I think I just get overly tired of how much work it takes just to appear normal.  I spend so much effort on trying to live life as normally as possible and drawing as little attention as possible.  But once in awhile, the self pity creeps in and for a very brief time I do wish others would realize the effort it takes me to just live life.  I would never wish what I live with on anyone else.  However, sometimes it would just be nice to have the amount of work required to survive daily life recognized.  Some days, I honestly don’t know how I even get through the day.  Those are the days that God makes it obvious He is carrying me.  

I am truly grateful for my loving supportive family.  I am also so thankful for the few friends I have who also live with pain and thus truly do understand what life is like.  Above all, I am grateful for a loving God who knows me better than I know myself and knows best what I truly need. 

Processing

I've been dealing with a lot recently and trying to remain positive and handle things as constructively as possible.  One of my methods of processing through difficult situations is writing everything out.  This clears my mind to get a fresh perspective. I'm not sure yet if I will post all of the recent writings.  But, because I have found postings by others in similar circumstances to be helpful when working through things, I thought I'd go ahead and post at least some of my thoughts while processing the current situation.

Here is the first (or possibly only) installment.  Advance warning: it is long.

Pain: the good, bad, and ugly
written 2/19/13

I’ve written before about the difference between “bad” days and “good” days and how it isn’t quite that simple to distinguish between them. I recently read a post by another blogger about her day with a severe pain flare.  I was struck by her ability to communicate some of the depths involved in chronic pain.  I have previously been afraid to even try to share the details of a pain flare for fear of worsening things by focusing on them, reliving the pain, or being thought of as complaining by those who cannot understand the reality of what life is like with chronic pain. Additionally, it is impossible to fully communicate something as subjective as pain. 

First, stop and think about the last time something hurt…anywhere.  How long did the pain last?  How severe was it?  What did it feel like?  Are these pleasant thoughts or memories? How did you react to the pain?  Were you able to think about other things?

Now, imagine that you lived with pain every single moment of every single day and night…for years on end with no reason to hope it will ever go away.  Maybe it will get better someday…but then again, maybe it will get worse.  Pain, day after day, night after night, no breaks, for days, weeks, months, years. 

When you hurt 100% of the time without any reprieve, it wears on you physically.  Dealing with pain is physically exhausting and draining.  Not only is it physically exhausting, but it is also mentally draining.  Trying to convince myself to take the next breath…and the next, and the next…just keep breathing.  Further demand on mental powers are trying to think past something so all-consuming as pain, then having to try to keep track of which medication was taken when, when is the next dose due and of which medication, avoiding overdosing on any of them, etc.  Eventually, the physical and mental wear and tear contribute to emotional drain.  Depression is a common “side effect” of chronic pain for many people.  I have not looked at the statistics for several years, but know the link exists.  

 A very recent example from my own life: I am dealing with one of the worse pain flares I’ve known and I’ve been through plenty in the past decade.  I came home from work after literally fighting the entire day to keep pain managed well enough that I didn’t totally crash emotionally at work.  I somehow held it off.  But, once home I had absolutely nothing left to work with.  I was exhausted from fighting all day long just to keep going through the motions, trying to get my work done when in reality my brain was half consumed with pain and half consumed with medication side effects.  I completely melted down once home.  I went to bed and cried the hardest I’d cried in months.  What was worse, was crying made the pain worse, but I couldn’t stop crying.  No position was comfortable…everything hurt.  Which would only start the tears again each time I’d managed to stop crying.  

Limitations and loss.  These are a natural part of any chronic illness and this includes chronic pain.  I still struggle to fully accept the fact that to a certain extent, I’ve lost part of how I always used to identify myself.  I was always strong growing up and my parents, siblings and others would ask for help with various things.  I was always reliable and dependable-if I said I’d be somewhere, I’d be there, or if I promised to do something, I did it.  I was also a planner.  I planned ahead as far as I could and in as much detail as possible.  Now…I still try, but there are things beyond my control that often prevent me from going where I’d planned, or doing what I’d planned.  Instead of others asking me for help, now I find myself having to ask for help.  I still dislike having to ask for help.  But the reality is I can’t even physically keep up with my own basic housework right now.  If this flare does not let up soon, I will need to ask for help with basics…cleaning, errands, etc.  I’ve already had to ask friends to be “on call” for me in case the medications were not enough and I needed a ride to the ER.  Thankfully, I’m very determined and managed to head off/wait out the pain and avoid the ER that time.  

Normally, no one can get me to give up on anything.  Right now, the pain has nearly convinced me to stop trying.  I am so far beyond my own ability to do anything.  Absolutely everything now is only God carrying me.  I’m done, my physical strength is gone, pain has reduced my brain to a fraction of its normal ability, I cannot remember anything, my attention span is non-existent.  The pain in my neck and back are such that I cannot turn my head very far without excruciating pain, my right arm is weak, numb, and unable to be moved or do much, writing for classes and taking notes is difficult at best.    I’m still hanging on…and somehow even still preserving the appearance of being “normal” (whatever that is).  There is no such thing as normal in the life of some who lives with chronic pain.  There is “normal” pain, bad pain days, good pain days, new pain, old pain, different pain, new symptoms that one never knows whether to ignore or follow up on, and weariness…with pain…with fatigue…with having to take so much thought and planning before doing anything. The amount of time and energy required for therapy just to get pain controlled enough to survive the day can be overwhelming.  

Yet, through it all, God is faithful.  He sustains, He is all sufficient.  He gives the grace and strength to keep going when I am utterly exhausted.

Muffin Recipes

I've been making muffins recently.  Mostly, it has been because I have an overabundance of overripe bananas needing attention and a too-full freezer.  My favorite muffins are pumpkin muffins.  My pumpkin muffins always turn out so much better than my banana muffins.  The pumpkin muffins are just pumpkin bread that is baked in muffins tins instead of loaf pans and the banana muffins are just banana bread baked in muffin pans instead of loaf pans.  But, for some reason the pumpkin muffins just seem to work better.  I again had several more overly ripe bananas that needed to be turned into something more stable and I figured muffins were easiest (again, for lack of freezer space).  So, I decided to experiment and see if I could get my banana muffins to turn out more like the pumpkin muffins.  I had previously compared the recipes and they are very similar, thus I could not figure out exactly what the difference was other than the obvious difference between banana and pumpkin.  Anyway, this afternoon I decided to use the pumpkin bread recipe and substitute mashed banana for the pumpkin and omit some of the spices.  The muffins turned out very much like a banana version of the pumpkin muffins!  I was pretty excited and pleased with myself.

Pumpkin muffins

2 c pumpkin	3 ½ c whole wheat flour	1 t nutmeg
¾ c oil	2 ½ t baking powder	½ t cloves
¾ c honey	1 t soda	½ t allspice
4 eggs	1 t salt	½ t ginger
2/3 c water	2 t cinnamon	1 c walnuts, optional

Mix liquid ingredients. Sift together dry ingredients.  Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moistened.  Pour into greased muffin tins.  Bake 325 ~20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  Cool in pans ~10 minutes, then on rack.  Makes 24 muffins.

For pumpkin bread, pour batter into 2 greased 9x5x3” loaf pans and bake ~1 hr.  Cool as directed above.

Banana muffins

2 c mashed banana (~5 ripe)	1 t vanilla	2 t cinnamon
¾ c oil	3 ½ c whole wheat flour	1 t nutmeg
¾ c honey	2 ½ t baking powder	1 c walnuts, optional
4 eggs	1 t soda
2/3 c water	1 t salt

Mix liquid ingredients. Sift together dry ingredients.  Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, stir just until moistened.  Pour into greased muffin tins.  Bake 325 ~20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.  Cool in pans ~10 minutes, then on rack.  Makes 24 muffins.

For banana bread, pour batter into 2 greased 9x5x3” loaf pans and bake ~1 hr.  Cool as directed above.