Basically, I am overdoing it and need to slow down considerably. This does not fit very well with my plans and timeline; I am having to adjust my thinking to different time frames than I had anticipated or intended. Also, I need to completely stop looking for a medical cure; this is chronic pain and will be my companion for life. Thus, the sooner I accept and learn how to live and function normally with it, the better. I don’t know why after nearly nine years of the pain this is so hard to accept. I think my incurable optimism is getting in the way again. I also think it has to do with how much worse the pain has been the past 19 months. If it was still at the level it had been the previous 5 years, I would be OK with it. I was more or less living and functioning normally at that time in spite of chronic pain. This is another opportunity for me to surrender fully to God’s plan for me and remove my human bounds of time, degree of pain that is “acceptable” and all other limitations from God’s infinite way of shaping me into His image.
Something that has stood out to me even more over the past week, is how hard it is to try to let go of control. Essentially, as long as I am trying, I retain my grasp on control. Thus, it is impossible for me to let go of all control as long as I am trying at all. Analogy: trying to relax fully. As long as I am trying to relax, there is tension. As soon as I let go and stop trying to relax, tension melts away. This same concept applies to surrender. I need to let go and simply allow God to work. This is much easier said than done.
Prayers are greatly appreciated as I continue to rely on God and allow Him to teach me what He would have me to learn through this treatment program at this time.
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