Independence Day Thoughts

Independence Day thoughts.  These have nothing to do with the reason we celebrate Independence Day and everything to do with dependence.  As my family could attest, I am naturally very independent.  I do not even like to delegate-I'd rather do it myself.

Well, God knew how to bring me to the point of realizing how utterly dependent I actually am.  Independence and strength were both traits I highly valued in myself.  Chronic pain and the newer muscle weakness have taken both strength and independence away from me.  I am often dependent others for rides.  I have been dependent on others for assistance with housework, errands, etc. 

I was finally given an appointment with Mayo Clinic!  It is still amazing to me that I finally have an appointment!  God has gone before all the way with this appointment.  He even rescheduled it to a much more convenient time!  Yet, as the date grows closer, I become more fearful...fearful they will not listen, fearful they will not take me seriously, fearful they will not be able to help.  I am honestly not convinced it is really fear of the appointment so much as fear of failure in figuring out how to help me overcome the weakness and fatigue.  As miserable as living with pain 100% of the time is, weakness and fatigue are worse.  I could usually push through the pain, but fatigue and weakness are capable of fully stopping me. There is no pushing through. I was referred to another clinic prior to Mayo...and they declined to test me.  The outcomes of that appointment shook me a bit.  It made me realize that quite possibly, no one would be able to figure things out.  Where am I now?  I am struggling with pain, weakness, fear of further loss of function and ability.  Strength, confidence, independence are gone. 

My sister posted the following on my Facebook profile this morning and it encouraged me.

"He stirs up your nest. He disappoints your hopes. He brings down your confidence. He makes you fear and tremble, as all your strength fails, and you feel utterly weary and helpless. And, all the while He is spreading His strong wings for you to rest your weakness on, and offering His everlasting Creator-strength to work in you. And all He asks is that you sink down in your weariness and wait on Him. Allow Him in His Jehovah-strength to carry you as you ride upon the wings of His omnipotence." - Andrew Murray
As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings: So the LORD alone did lead him... Deuteronomy 32:11, 12

This brought me to tears...it is totally where I am at and what I am struggling with right now.  My strength, independence and confidence are totally shot.  But, God knows this.  He is there waiting for me to let go and stop trying to do things on my own, waiting for me to trust fully and rest in Him...full surrender to what He is allowing to happen right now. I may not feel well physically, and I may be tired mentally and even spiritually, but as spiritual condition is strengthened-even through physical trials, it will in turn strengthen me mentally,and allow me to better cope physically even if it does not resolve physical issues.  Truly, spiritual health, well-being and healing are of far more importance than physical.  I know this, but it is difficult to remember. I am choosing to rest in the reminder that God is carrying me and He is sufficient for all!