My Family!

This is a picture from the summer.

Week 3 Update

It seems hard to believe I have already finished the Pain Management Program. In some ways I am glad to have it over and done with and am looking forward to getting back to normal life at home. At the same time, I am also sad. It is hard to leave behind the new routine that has offered new hope and the new friends that gave such necessary support. I also know I will not really be returning to normal life-at least not as I knew it before. There are several changes and adaptations that will need to be made if I am to maintain the small progress made and continue to improve things. I cannot say pain is any better controlled, but rather that I am managing (or coping) better overall in spite of the pain. I have been given information, tools, and support over the past 3 weeks. Now it is up to me to incorporate all of this into daily life when I get back home again. There will be rough times as I try things and learn how to make adjustments to find what will work best for me. There will need to be several major changes made in how I approach each aspect of life. This is simply yet another challenge to be met.

Acceptance. What does this really mean? I cannot say I have the answer. I suspect it varies somewhat from person to person and situation to situation. At present, my perspective is that I have accepted the chronic pain on a daily basis. Basically, I live with it and work to proactively prevent myself from overdoing things and contributing to higher pain levels. I have NOT accepted it in terms of lifelong condition. Rather, I still maintain hope that one day things will be better. I have very little hope at this time that the pain will ever entirely go away. At this time, I honestly do not know if the Lord wants me to fully accept things in a more permanent sense or not.

The best example I heard at the program that probably helped me the most to understand how to approach the pain was the analogy of a chronic health condition. If an individual has diabetes, there are several lifestyle changes that can help manage the condition. Even if signs and symptoms improve, the individual will never truly be free from the condition. Rather, the person will have diabetes the rest of his/her life. If the beneficial lifestyle changes are neglected, symptoms will return. Likewise, chronic pain is a legitimate medical condition. It is a lifelong diagnosis. If lifestyle changes are adopted and incorporated consistently, signs and symptoms can be effectively managed. Pain may possibly even appear to resolve fully. However, if the lifestyle changes are neglected, symptoms (pain) will return. While helpful, this example is also somewhat difficult to accept. It means admitting that there is physical weakness. It does not mean admitting defeat, nor does it indicate actual illness. While there are limitations, there are no disabilities.

What things will look like in the future, I cannot foresee. That there will be changes I realize and accept. I pray I am humble enough to take what I was taught and apply it to the best of my ability to maximize my ability to live life fully.

UNMC Week 2 Update

I have now completed 2 of the 3 weeks at UNMC. It is exciting to see God at work-even when it is often a challenge to submit wholeheartedly to the changes He asks.

This week has gone better. I feel like I have been able to incorporate more of the things I am learning. I had one really good afternoon with pain levels the lowest they have been in months...followed by a very not-so-good-day the next day. Even with the bad day, I was excited to have had a relatively good day. I am working to reduce the amount of medication taken for pain...only just beginning this process, so I have yet to see how things work out.

I am doing a lot of thinking about what healing means. Does healing mean being made whole physically? Or, is healing more about being made whole spiritually? If the latter, it is possible, even probable, that physical pain and illness are part of the healing process.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NKJV)
Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.

Encouraging Thoughts

Encouragement to HOPE

You can hold on to HOPE-no matter what happens
because there's One who's holding on to YOU.
He'll stop at nothing and do anything
to make sure you have everything you need.
I'm waiting in hope with you to see all God will do.

He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-
how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

Encouragement to GRACE

You've got everlasting arms beneath you,
love all around you,
GRACE to see you through,
and enough strength to make it too.

You're supported in ways you can't see,
more than you know,
and the God whose heart beats with love for you
will never let you go.

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

-Holley Gerth

I received the above thoughts in an email-and was encouraged.

Questions...

To pray for healing or not? For myself or for others? How do I know when it is God’s will for me to ask healing for myself or another. How do I know God is finished using brokenness to fulfill His purposes? These are questions and thoughts I have struggled with before now (see these posts). The readings a week or so ago simply brought all of this to the forefront again. I think the key is being so close to God that I am in tune with His will. How do I do this? Full surrender to Him, full trust in Him. Letting go of all else. Looking to God and God only for security and help. What does full surrender look like? I am not sure as I don’t think I have ever fully gotten to the point of 100% full surrender. What is surrender? Surrender is none of me and all of God. How do I get to that point? Let go and stop trying…completely stop trying. This seems so simple, yet I find it so difficult. As someone who has always been independent, it is hard to completely let go of all control and become 100% dependent on another-God. I know He is far more capable of managing my life than I am. Yet, this “knowledge” has yet to reach my heart resulting in true surrender.

Week One Update

I finished my first week out of three in the Pain Management Program at UNMC. In some ways, many of the things I am being told to do are things I was already doing. However, there have been some new suggestions and there have definitely been some challenges to how I think about things and how I will proceed from here. If I were not so desperate for pain relief, I am not sure how well I would accept these new challenges. I am already struggling a little to adjust…

Basically, I am overdoing it and need to slow down considerably. This does not fit very well with my plans and timeline; I am having to adjust my thinking to different time frames than I had anticipated or intended. Also, I need to completely stop looking for a medical cure; this is chronic pain and will be my companion for life. Thus, the sooner I accept and learn how to live and function normally with it, the better. I don’t know why after nearly nine years of the pain this is so hard to accept. I think my incurable optimism is getting in the way again. I also think it has to do with how much worse the pain has been the past 19 months. If it was still at the level it had been the previous 5 years, I would be OK with it. I was more or less living and functioning normally at that time in spite of chronic pain. This is another opportunity for me to surrender fully to God’s plan for me and remove my human bounds of time, degree of pain that is “acceptable” and all other limitations from God’s infinite way of shaping me into His image.

Something that has stood out to me even more over the past week, is how hard it is to try to let go of control. Essentially, as long as I am trying, I retain my grasp on control. Thus, it is impossible for me to let go of all control as long as I am trying at all. Analogy: trying to relax fully. As long as I am trying to relax, there is tension. As soon as I let go and stop trying to relax, tension melts away. This same concept applies to surrender. I need to let go and simply allow God to work. This is much easier said than done.

Prayers are greatly appreciated as I continue to rely on God and allow Him to teach me what He would have me to learn through this treatment program at this time.