Independence Day Thoughts

Independence Day thoughts.  These have nothing to do with the reason we celebrate Independence Day and everything to do with dependence.  As my family could attest, I am naturally very independent.  I do not even like to delegate-I'd rather do it myself.

Well, God knew how to bring me to the point of realizing how utterly dependent I actually am.  Independence and strength were both traits I highly valued in myself.  Chronic pain and the newer muscle weakness have taken both strength and independence away from me.  I am often dependent others for rides.  I have been dependent on others for assistance with housework, errands, etc. 

I was finally given an appointment with Mayo Clinic!  It is still amazing to me that I finally have an appointment!  God has gone before all the way with this appointment.  He even rescheduled it to a much more convenient time!  Yet, as the date grows closer, I become more fearful...fearful they will not listen, fearful they will not take me seriously, fearful they will not be able to help.  I am honestly not convinced it is really fear of the appointment so much as fear of failure in figuring out how to help me overcome the weakness and fatigue.  As miserable as living with pain 100% of the time is, weakness and fatigue are worse.  I could usually push through the pain, but fatigue and weakness are capable of fully stopping me. There is no pushing through. I was referred to another clinic prior to Mayo...and they declined to test me.  The outcomes of that appointment shook me a bit.  It made me realize that quite possibly, no one would be able to figure things out.  Where am I now?  I am struggling with pain, weakness, fear of further loss of function and ability.  Strength, confidence, independence are gone. 

My sister posted the following on my Facebook profile this morning and it encouraged me.

"He stirs up your nest. He disappoints your hopes. He brings down your confidence. He makes you fear and tremble, as all your strength fails, and you feel utterly weary and helpless. And, all the while He is spreading His strong wings for you to rest your weakness on, and offering His everlasting Creator-strength to work in you. And all He asks is that you sink down in your weariness and wait on Him. Allow Him in His Jehovah-strength to carry you as you ride upon the wings of His omnipotence." - Andrew Murray
As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings: So the LORD alone did lead him... Deuteronomy 32:11, 12

This brought me to tears...it is totally where I am at and what I am struggling with right now.  My strength, independence and confidence are totally shot.  But, God knows this.  He is there waiting for me to let go and stop trying to do things on my own, waiting for me to trust fully and rest in Him...full surrender to what He is allowing to happen right now. I may not feel well physically, and I may be tired mentally and even spiritually, but as spiritual condition is strengthened-even through physical trials, it will in turn strengthen me mentally,and allow me to better cope physically even if it does not resolve physical issues.  Truly, spiritual health, well-being and healing are of far more importance than physical.  I know this, but it is difficult to remember. I am choosing to rest in the reminder that God is carrying me and He is sufficient for all!

Homemade Chocolate Syrup Recipe

As seems to happen so often, just when I think I have finalized a recipe or the way I do things, I decide to try something else.  Invariably, I then like the new method better and switch to using it.  So, after posting the "final" version of the recipe for homemade hot cocoa mix, I have not made another batch...because I remembered I had an older recipe for chocolate syrup, decided to get it out and try it again, and have been using that instead. :)  I honestly have no idea where this recipe originally came from.  I do know that my mom and I modified it years ago and I further adjusted it earlier this month.

Homemade Chocolate Syrup

1 c cocoa
3/8 t salt
¾ c water
¾ c honey
2 t vanilla

In 4 cup glass measuring cup, mix cocoa, slat, water and honey and stir until smooth.  Microwave on high 1-2 minutes until mixture comes to a boil, stirring twice.  Boil 3 minutes (50% power), stirring as needed to prevent boiling over (also WATCH carefully!). Stir in vanilla and allow to cool.  Store in fridge.  Makes ~ 2 cups.

OR

In small saucepan, mix cocoa, salt, water and honey.  Bring to boil over very low heat, stirring constantly.  Cook 5-8 minutes or until syrup is completely smooth.  Stir in vanilla.

I simply use a couple of tablespoons of this syrup in milk (either cold or hot), coffee, or more often a combination of hot coffee and milk. This syrup is also very good over ice cream, stirred into smoothies, etc.

*NOTE: infants under 1 year of age should NOT have honey because of the risk of botulism. 

Pretty in Pink

I am very late in announcing this via blog, but I have a new niece!  Olivia Michelle was born March 6 and is a sweet, adorable little girl!

Olivia's mommy graciously sent me some recent pictures of Olivia with the afghan I crocheted for her.  My camera does not work reliably, thus I have no pictures of my own. Besides, when I get to see Olivia, I'd rather hold her than photograph her! 

Here is Olivia at 5 weeks old.

Yes, I really did make her blanket in just under a month!

Homemade Guacamole

This recipe is one my mom sent me last spring (with a few minor adaptations).  I have made it several times since then.  Fresh, homemade guacamole with fresh, homemade tortillas makes an amazing snack!

2 ripe avocados

2 T chopped onion (or ~1 t onion powder)

2 T sour cream (or plain yogurt)

1 small clove garlic, crushed (or ~ 1/8 t garlic powder)

2 t lemon juice

½ t salt

Beat till smooth with electric mixer.  (Or mix in blender.)  Place pits in until time to serve. (I don't know if this really helps keep it from turning brown.)  Just before serving fold in 1 finely chopped tomato. (Or garnish with tomato rather than folding it in.)

I use the blender for this recipe and it works great.  I have switched to using plain yogurt in place of sour cream and the yogurt works fine for this recipe as well.  

Thankful

After several weeks of inability to drive much (some times not at all), it is looking like maybe I can drive again!  It required getting both my car and my body back into suitable condition to drive.  I am so grateful for those who helped me with figuring out the problem with the car and getting it fixed (especially my brother!).  I am also very grateful for the assistance in getting my body back into shape to drive again...at least for now.  I am grateful to be off of the medications that were causing the most difficulty and to have pain levels decreased enough to be able to manage slightly longer drives than being limited to local area only.

Also, a HUGE thank you to all who provided rides in the meantime when I could not drive or my car was not drivable!!!!  This was such an encouragement to me.  

It is the little things that matter.  If for no other reason than that it teaches me to appreciate what I do have, the constant physical challenges truly are a blessing.  Sometimes, it can be hard to view them this way, but I do believe God has a reason in all He allows.  I'm trying to see the positive in all.  Having lost some abilities temporarily and others permanently has taught me to be grateful for what I do have and not complain about what I do not have.  God is sufficient in all.

Epic Fail

In an attempt to avoid an ER trip, I instead ended up getting myself sent to the ER.  (Yes, this would be the second time in less than 2 weeks. Yes, I checked out fine-of course.)

Give Me a Break

For the second time in the past several months I have found myself wishing for a break from being me.  When I realized I was thinking this and stopped to figure out why, I discovered it isn’t a break from being me that I want but a break from the difficulties.  This time I did not stop with this realization but analyzed the source of the frustration…  I know this time it was easy to figure out based on timing, but last time may have been triggered by similar circumstances and I just didn’t realize it.  The root of the discontent with the problems is not really even the problems themselves.  So, the years of learning to live as normally and productively as possible in spite of daily constant pain has been helpful.  The root of the current issue is thinking about breaks in the first place.  It was spring break.  This meant a much anticipated break from classes (or more realistically a chance to catch up with coursework), although I still had research tasks.  Having worked full time prior to deciding to go to college, breaks are not something I even expect, so having to work through spring break is not really that big of deal.  The problem: knowing I get a break from classes on a regular basis and knowing I get a couple of weeks of vacation from work a year…but NEVER get a break from pain or managing it and the other chronic conditions.  I know I am not the only person with chronic pain or chronic health conditions. I know the pain and other issues I deal with are not really that serious in the grand scheme of things.  I am able to compensate and cope well most of the time, live productively, appear normal--although the new normal is nothing like the old normal.  Most people would never guess what I live with 100% of the time.  I prefer it this way.  I prefer to avoid attention.  I prefer not to be noticed.  This is why I minimize pain and illness and hide what I am experiencing; however, I still long for a break.  Just one day would be nice.  But, I do not foresee it ever happening.  I participated in a research study on chronic pain.  One of the questions in the surveys asked about my degree of confidence in various aspects of life that may be influenced by pain.  In general, I am very confident in my ability to do most of the items in spite of pain.  However, there is one item that I always responded that I was not at all confident of being able to ever do--live life normally.  Can I live life as normally as possible?  Yes, definitely.  Can I live life such that no one else would guess the true situation (and most would think my life is normal)?  Most likely.  Can I live normally?  Absolutely not!  Why not?  It takes way too much time and effort on a daily basis to manage pain enough to be at my optimal functional capacity and productive enough to accomplish required responsibilities.  Am I being unrealistic in my views?  Possibly, but I don’t think so.  I do NOT count exercise, healthy diet, relaxation, quiet time, downtime/hobbies, etc. when considering time involved in pain management even though each of these is crucial.  Why don’t I consider them?  Because these are items that in my opinion belong in every person’s life as part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle.  So, what do I count?  The other therapies and treatments: heat, ice, TENS, NMES, medications (and tracking them to ensure timely dosing and to avoid overdosing, coping with the side effects they cause, etc.), provider appointments (primary care physician, various specialists, physical therapist, chiropractor, massage therapist, etc.). Sure, heat or ice or medications may be needed by anyone temporarily for a minor injury or something; and yes, doctor appointments will still be necessary…but not the number of appointments as at present and not the number of providers as at present.  I’m sure I probably missed things in my lists.  I was not really trying to be fully inclusive so much as give a clear example of my perspective and why I struggle to see myself ever living a “normal” life again.  There is a new “normal” and for the most part I have accepted it even though it gets wearing sometimes.  

Instead of looking for a break, I need to remember that God has allowed the current situation and He has a reason.  I need to trust Him and look to Him for the strength needed to get through each moment of each day.  He is faithful and good in all He does!

2 Corinthians 12:6-10 (NIV) 

⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+12&version=NIV