Warning: the following post is LONG.
Read at your own risk!
Written 11/14/11
I am thinking through a lot of things. Every direction I look, I am faced with challenges waiting to be solved. Ordinarily, I thrive on and relish challenges. However, these have been ongoing so long, I am losing the sense of challenge and feeling more a sense of failure. This brings the questions stated in the title of this post-what is failure and what is success? How are they measured? I was given new hope regarding the chronic pain condition while I was at the Pain Management Program. I have always tried to do things as independently as possible and this was one of the main points of the program-getting patients managing their condition as much on their own as possible. I came back after completing the program ready to make changes and reclaim more of the control of things. Fast forward 2 months…there have been more medication errors, increased need for the prescriptions and narcotics, more decreased days in terms of productivity, more frustration, etc. There has been more reliance on medications, therapies, physicians, and other resources. Where did I go wrong? First, I had to remind myself, that truly even when I am managing things “on my own” it is really God carrying me. Second, I had to remind myself, that we had made medication changes during the program including stopping one of the over the counter pain killers. This resulted in worse control of pain, but also in clearing some of the random symptoms no one could figure out. Clearance of the other symptoms was worth it to me to stay off that particular medication even at the price of more pain. Thirdly, I needed to remember that things take time. I was in my usual impatient hurry and wanted to see results immediately. At the end of the first month was my follow-up appointment at the Program. At this time I asked how I was to differentiate between pacing errors, using pain as an excuse, genuinely overdoing it, etc? I got the response I heard a lot while there-it was a complex question and thus did not have a simple answer. Basically, I was on the right track, things take time, require trial and error and to keep on as I was. It has now been another month. I am currently coming through a low time where discouragement is the predominant feeling. However, when I look back over the month, narcotic use has decreased again, not quite as low as prior to the program, but definitely lower than the previous month. So, there appears to be progress on the pain management front! (At least from a numbers perspective-not sure I feel progress-yet.) Also, the random other symptoms have not returned. I was able to discontinue another medication that was for a completely different condition, and this removed another side effect that was causing a lot of trouble and affecting productivity. However, a whole new set of random symptoms has shown up. Thus far, no cause is known. After being sent to the emergency room, I was then referred to yet another specialist. I also was started into more testing for yet a different issue. I am simply weary of testing, having to see new specialists, medications, side effects, etc. I would like one day off from all of it-just one day. (And to be honest, I often wish all of those working with me (providers, insurance company, etc) could feel just for one day what I feel all the time. We could trade-I could have a day off, and they could experience a brief glimpse of my life.)
To answer the questions of what is failure and what is success, I need to take a giant step back and reevaluate what criteria I am using to judge situations. Am I looking at my comfort, or am I looking at my relationship with God? Am I looking at how I feel, or how obedient I have been to what the Lord has called me to do? Am I thinking of how I appear to others, or how God sees me? Am I wallowing in self pity, or seeking to reach out to others? Am I looking at things from my futile human perspective, or choosing to see things from God’s vantage point?
I had written the previous one evening, then the next morning, my readings fit perfectly!
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
readings from 11/15
“APPROACH PROBLEMS with a light touch. When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me. You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately. Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious. Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.
There is a better way. When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me. Talk with me about it and look at it in the Light of My Presence. This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective. You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant.
You will always face trouble in this life. But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter. Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light.”
Psalm 89:15: Blessed are the people who know the joyful sound! They walk, O LORD, in the light of Your countenance.
John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
My thoughts:
Wow! This is appropriate for what I am struggling with. I was actually writing along these thoughts last night. Do not make a bigger issue out of things; minimize problems by learning to see them from God’s perspective. Wait patiently on God’s timing.
I then read Matthew 13-15. Amazing how much of this had to do with healing and compassion of the Lord. 14:14: “And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.” 14:27-31: “But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 15:28: “Then Jesus answered and said to her, “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.” http://www.biblegateway.com/
Honestly, there have been many times recently when I have felt like Peter must have felt. I am walking on the water, completely surrounded by storms and chaos…becoming distracted by these surrounding storms, I begin to sink, cry desperately to the Lord. He gently pulls me up, refers to my small faith and asks why I doubted… All I have to do is keep my focus on Him and reject the surrounding distractions. So simple…yet so hard.
