Nine Years

Nine years ago today started out cold, sleeting, slick and ended cool, rainy and wet. Nine years ago today my life was changed in a split second by a complete stranger. Nine years ago today I had no idea what the next almost decade would be like. I could never have imagined the outcome of a single seemingly minor incident. There were times I longed to know how long the pain would last. There were times I hoped it would resolve in the few weeks to 3 months anticipated. There were times I questioned what was wrong that my body did not seem to be able to heal.

Looking back from nine years in the future is bittersweet. In some ways, it is hard to believe it has been nine years. In other ways, it feels as it is has been far longer. I am so grateful that I did not know nine years ago how long things would last. There were many times I longed to know the duration-wanting to know how long I had to hold on. Had I known then that it would last years, I would quite possibly have given up trying. How do I feel about the results of another’s action? This is hard to sort out exactly. I don’t think I carry any hard feelings or bitterness. I know I am grateful that it was not I that caused suffering for another. As miserable as chronic pain can be, I prefer living with it than living with the awareness that I had caused such for another person. I acknowledge, it seems like it would be more fair if the person who caused the accident had to deal with the pain rather than the others involved who had no way to prevent or avoid it. However, this is not in my power to dictate. Do I wish I could have the last nine years back and be able to live them free of pain and with my old carefree manner of living? Not really. Why ever not? Because, God has used the pain to teach me some very precious lessons and truths of Himself that I would likely not have learned any other way. Do I want to be free of pain now and be able to live normally now? Yes! (Excerpt of something I wrote on a not-so-good day a little over a week ago: I think the hardest part of the chronic pain condition is not the pain itself, but the limitations and the other issues that come with it. These prevent life being normal and force me to accept a new "normal" for my life. If it was as simple as isolated pain without energy drain, mental and emotional strain, medications, medication effects, limitations, effort to manage things, appointments, therapies, etc, this would be much easier. I am still very much my strong, independent self...having to learn to depend on others in some things, and depend on therapies, medications, etc. in others is so much harder than I would have thought possible. I long to be able to do things spontaneously again.) Am I willing to continue living with pain and all that it entails in order to learn more of God and glorify Him as He uses the instrument of pain to fashion me into His perfect plan? Most days, yes. To be honest, some days…I struggle to let Him have full reign over the body He made and I have given back to Him. Surrender fully to Him.

Surrender. This is something I am admittedly not very good at. Surrender was the timely topic in the message Sunday. It is something I have been trying to learn for well over a year-and am still struggling. The key problem is that I am struggling and trying and striving to surrender. Surrender means not trying, not struggling, not striving. Instead, allow God to completely take over and manage things His way. I know beyond all doubt that His way is not only better, His way is the perfect and the only way that will work out ultimately. However, this head knowledge must work into my heart resulting in true, full surrender to the One Who is supposed to reign as King of my life.

I Surrender All
by Judson W. Van DeVenter

Verse 1:
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.