Thoughts on Health, or Lack thereof: New versus Old

I had a wonderful time with family over Christmas and New Year's. It was the longest break I have had in a couple of years and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My one goal was to get through the entire break without a single doctor appointment and I did it! (Pathetic goal, I know.)

So, break is over and now it is back to the real world. Life is super busy again. And…this is going to be another long post. I am trying to view the humorous side of things, so here goes!

I am still dealing with my crazy body and its tendency to want to try out every symptom it can think of, thus subjecting me to every test or procedure imaginable. One of these days I keep hoping I will figure out how to anticipate its crazy ideas and prevent it from acting them out. I keep thinking we have exhausted the possibilities, but apparently the only possibilities being exhausted are those for resolving things. Sigh. I wish my body weren't so terribly imaginative and creative. Unfortunately, it is far more so than I am-thus catching me by surprise with each new thing it decides to try out. I have tried ignoring it-but I deal with the consequences. I have tried pursuing treatment to stop it-but again I bear the consequences. So far, it is definitely winning this little battle. If it is trying to impress me with its broad range of ideas, or its ability to continually come up with new symptoms before the previous ones are even figured out, it is failing miserably-because I end up feeling miserable while dealing with all of this. Sometimes, I think I should try to guess its next move and prevent it. But other times, I think it safer NOT to try to think of anything else it might try-I don’t want to supply it with any further ideas. I wonder if it is aspiring to try out every single medical test in existence? Or, maybe it simply wants to meet every physician in Ames…and central IA…and eastern NE? I certainly hope not because I am literally sick and tired of testing…and procedures…and appointments…and new specialists…and more medications…and more therapies…I think this list conveys some of the idea. (I am very grateful for the many great providers I have; I am simply tired of the fact that this is part of my daily existence at present and most of the past year.) Basically, if a chronic illness is considered a second full time job (in terms of time and effort involved to manage things), then I am currently working so many full time jobs that I really should be being compensated accordingly…instead of having to pay for this privilege(?)! (Fortunately, I am not really paying much at present due to the “minor detail” that I already paid the maximum out-of-pocket amount for my insurance plan-within the first 2 months of the new insurance year. (last year it took ~8 months to reach that point.) Yay crazy body! *please note the heavy sarcasm* I try to provide this self-centered body with everything it needs to be healthy (good nutrition, adequate sleep, exercise, times of rest and relaxation, etc.), but instead of being grateful and content to be healthy, it goes and rewards my efforts with further displays of willful disregard by getting sick, or trying out some other random new symptom. In blatant rebellion, it refuses to accept the sleep I try to provide for it-it wakes me regularly every night-sometimes at the same times, sometimes to mix things up, it decides to try a variety of different times. Sometimes, it teases me by letting me almost get a full night of sleep, but then wakens me an hour before my alarm, but then won’t let me go back to sleep. Or, on other nights, it decides to wake me every 2 hours the first half of the night and every hour the second half. Then, it complains of being tired the next day. How does it think I feel? (OK, so it doesn’t even seem to acknowledge that my feelings count-if it even recognizes I have feelings.)

I am aware this was really random…but so am I sometimes. When things are crazy and out of my control, I often find it helpful to distance myself from whatever is causing the problems. I have done this for years with the chronic pain-I consider the pain to have its own set of likes and dislikes-often quite opposite to mine. For example, I enjoy thunder storms, snow storms, etc. Unfortunately, my neck and back do NOT and complain painfully when storms come-thus trying to take away some of my joy. Naturally, with all of the other health challenges over the past year, I began to think of my entire body as having a mind of its own. It clearly was not following my wishes. Hence, the preceding story! =)

Sometimes, I feel as if I am a mind trapped in a willful, recalcitrant body. However, when I think of this, it brings to mind the fact that really, this is not that far from the truth. As a child of God, He has put a new nature inside of this old body of flesh. The old nature is constantly striving with the new nature. The old may occasionally gain the upper hand, but the victory has already been won at the cross-the new nature wins in the end and that is what counts. When struggling with a tired, sick, weak human body that seems to be keeping my mind from doing what it would like, I need to remember how frustrating that is and when tempted to give in to the ways of the old nature, to instead choose to allow the new nature to rule the old nature.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Colossionas 3:10 (KJV)
And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:

http://www.biblegateway.com/

Good-bye 2011

It is the last day of the year already. 2011 held the unexpected-and lots of it. I learned so much in so many ways. God taught me more of Himself and more of who I am in Him. He taught me that I do NOT have to be in control-of any part of “my” life. He also showed me that I do NOT need to know the reason or outcome of things that happen. He taught me that it is OK to take things as they come rather than plan all out to the last detail. He taught me it is alright to let go of my timeframe and instead wait on His perfect timing. He showed me even more the importance of family, friends, coworkers. He showed me the reason or partial reasons for some of the things that happened and reminded me that I can trust Him in all-even when I do not know why things are happening the way they are or how things will end. He does know why and how things will end and He is in control of all and that is all that matters. He is still working on me to learn to accept things that do not seem to ever resolve. I have been and continue to be a work in process. My prayer is that the coming year brings me ever closer to God in my relationship with Him and ever closer to His plan for my life.

Fall Baking: Pumpkin Cookies!

Pumpkin Cookies!
(Recipe adapted from my mother)

1 cup butter	2 teaspoons baking soda
½ cup honey	1 teaspoon baking powder
2 eggs	2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla	1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 15 oz. can pumpkin (or 2 cups cooked)	½ teaspoon cloves
4 to 5 cups whole wheat flour	2 cups butterscotch chips
¾ teaspoon salt

Cream together butter and honey. Add eggs, pumpkin and vanilla; mix well. Mix dry ingredients together, then add to egg mixture and mix well. Stir in butterscotch chips.

Drop onto ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten slightly. Bake at 350⁰ F for about 10 minutes (until cookies are slightly set and beginning to brown). Let set on cookie sheet for 2 minutes, then remove to cooling rack and allow to cool.

Notes: I start with the smaller amount of flour and add more if needed. Sometimes I’ve even baked a pan and then added more flour if they seem too doughy.

Original recipe had chocolate chips and chopped nuts as an option.

What is Failure? What is Success?

Warning: the following post is LONG. Read at your own risk!

Written 11/14/11

I am thinking through a lot of things. Every direction I look, I am faced with challenges waiting to be solved. Ordinarily, I thrive on and relish challenges. However, these have been ongoing so long, I am losing the sense of challenge and feeling more a sense of failure. This brings the questions stated in the title of this post-what is failure and what is success? How are they measured? I was given new hope regarding the chronic pain condition while I was at the Pain Management Program. I have always tried to do things as independently as possible and this was one of the main points of the program-getting patients managing their condition as much on their own as possible. I came back after completing the program ready to make changes and reclaim more of the control of things. Fast forward 2 months…there have been more medication errors, increased need for the prescriptions and narcotics, more decreased days in terms of productivity, more frustration, etc. There has been more reliance on medications, therapies, physicians, and other resources. Where did I go wrong? First, I had to remind myself, that truly even when I am managing things “on my own” it is really God carrying me. Second, I had to remind myself, that we had made medication changes during the program including stopping one of the over the counter pain killers. This resulted in worse control of pain, but also in clearing some of the random symptoms no one could figure out. Clearance of the other symptoms was worth it to me to stay off that particular medication even at the price of more pain. Thirdly, I needed to remember that things take time. I was in my usual impatient hurry and wanted to see results immediately. At the end of the first month was my follow-up appointment at the Program. At this time I asked how I was to differentiate between pacing errors, using pain as an excuse, genuinely overdoing it, etc? I got the response I heard a lot while there-it was a complex question and thus did not have a simple answer. Basically, I was on the right track, things take time, require trial and error and to keep on as I was. It has now been another month. I am currently coming through a low time where discouragement is the predominant feeling. However, when I look back over the month, narcotic use has decreased again, not quite as low as prior to the program, but definitely lower than the previous month. So, there appears to be progress on the pain management front! (At least from a numbers perspective-not sure I feel progress-yet.) Also, the random other symptoms have not returned. I was able to discontinue another medication that was for a completely different condition, and this removed another side effect that was causing a lot of trouble and affecting productivity. However, a whole new set of random symptoms has shown up. Thus far, no cause is known. After being sent to the emergency room, I was then referred to yet another specialist. I also was started into more testing for yet a different issue. I am simply weary of testing, having to see new specialists, medications, side effects, etc. I would like one day off from all of it-just one day. (And to be honest, I often wish all of those working with me (providers, insurance company, etc) could feel just for one day what I feel all the time. We could trade-I could have a day off, and they could experience a brief glimpse of my life.)

To answer the questions of what is failure and what is success, I need to take a giant step back and reevaluate what criteria I am using to judge situations. Am I looking at my comfort, or am I looking at my relationship with God? Am I looking at how I feel, or how obedient I have been to what the Lord has called me to do? Am I thinking of how I appear to others, or how God sees me? Am I wallowing in self pity, or seeking to reach out to others? Am I looking at things from my futile human perspective, or choosing to see things from God’s vantage point?

I had written the previous one evening, then the next morning, my readings fit perfectly!

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
readings from 11/15

“APPROACH PROBLEMS with a light touch. When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me. You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately. Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious. Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.

There is a better way. When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me. Talk with me about it and look at it in the Light of My Presence. This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective. You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant.

You will always face trouble in this life. But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter. Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light.”

Psalm 89:15: Blessed are the people who know the joyful sound! They walk, O LORD, in the light of Your countenance.
John 16:33: These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

My thoughts:
Wow! This is appropriate for what I am struggling with. I was actually writing along these thoughts last night. Do not make a bigger issue out of things; minimize problems by learning to see them from God’s perspective. Wait patiently on God’s timing.

I then read Matthew 13-15. Amazing how much of this had to do with healing and compassion of the Lord. 14:14: “And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.” 14:27-31: “But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 15:28: “Then Jesus answered and said to her, “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.” http://www.biblegateway.com/

Honestly, there have been many times recently when I have felt like Peter must have felt. I am walking on the water, completely surrounded by storms and chaos…becoming distracted by these surrounding storms, I begin to sink, cry desperately to the Lord. He gently pulls me up, refers to my small faith and asks why I doubted… All I have to do is keep my focus on Him and reject the surrounding distractions. So simple…yet so hard.

More Thoughts on Surrender

The following hymn came to mind as I have been thinking about surrender. I looked it up in the hymnal this morning and ended up in tears. My deepest desire is to be fully surrendered to the Lord-all of Him and none of me. However, I know this is not the reality...yet.

O the Bitter Shame and Sorrow
Theodore Monod, 1874
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/o/b/obshands.htm

O the bitter shame and sorrow,
That a time could ever be,
When I let the Savior’s pity
Plead in vain, and proudly answered,
“All of self, and none of Thee!”

Yet He found me; I beheld Him
Bleeding on th’accursèd tree,
Heard Him pray, “Forgive them, Father!”
And my wistful heart said faintly,
“Some of self, and some of Thee!”

Day by day His tender mercy,
Healing, helping, full and free,
Sweet and strong, and ah! so patient,
Brought me lower, while I whispered,
“Less of self, and more of Thee!”

Higher than the highest heavens,
Deeper than the deepest sea,
Lord, Thy love at last hath conquered:
Grant me now my supplication,
“None of self, and all of Thee!”

Trust and Confidence

Trust: in the midst of what seems to be chaos
When it seems like all of life is out of control, it is really an opportunity to choose to remember Who is truly in control-of all. It is painfully apparent that I have no control over any aspect of my life. For someone who prefers to have everything under tight control, this is a difficult admission. However, it is also a necessary step to realize that I have no control and must rely fully on God, the Sovereign over all. It can be scary to admit lack of control…and to yield to allowing another to run things. What I read this morning was dealing with this specific concept. Instead of resenting the difficult days, I need to be grateful for them. They remind me that God is my strength, my confidence. He enables me to not only survive difficult days, but to victoriously conquer the challenges. (Readings were Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and Zechariah chapters 4-9.) Zech. 4:6b “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the LORD of hosts.”

Nine Years

Nine years ago today started out cold, sleeting, slick and ended cool, rainy and wet. Nine years ago today my life was changed in a split second by a complete stranger. Nine years ago today I had no idea what the next almost decade would be like. I could never have imagined the outcome of a single seemingly minor incident. There were times I longed to know how long the pain would last. There were times I hoped it would resolve in the few weeks to 3 months anticipated. There were times I questioned what was wrong that my body did not seem to be able to heal.

Looking back from nine years in the future is bittersweet. In some ways, it is hard to believe it has been nine years. In other ways, it feels as it is has been far longer. I am so grateful that I did not know nine years ago how long things would last. There were many times I longed to know the duration-wanting to know how long I had to hold on. Had I known then that it would last years, I would quite possibly have given up trying. How do I feel about the results of another’s action? This is hard to sort out exactly. I don’t think I carry any hard feelings or bitterness. I know I am grateful that it was not I that caused suffering for another. As miserable as chronic pain can be, I prefer living with it than living with the awareness that I had caused such for another person. I acknowledge, it seems like it would be more fair if the person who caused the accident had to deal with the pain rather than the others involved who had no way to prevent or avoid it. However, this is not in my power to dictate. Do I wish I could have the last nine years back and be able to live them free of pain and with my old carefree manner of living? Not really. Why ever not? Because, God has used the pain to teach me some very precious lessons and truths of Himself that I would likely not have learned any other way. Do I want to be free of pain now and be able to live normally now? Yes! (Excerpt of something I wrote on a not-so-good day a little over a week ago: I think the hardest part of the chronic pain condition is not the pain itself, but the limitations and the other issues that come with it. These prevent life being normal and force me to accept a new "normal" for my life. If it was as simple as isolated pain without energy drain, mental and emotional strain, medications, medication effects, limitations, effort to manage things, appointments, therapies, etc, this would be much easier. I am still very much my strong, independent self...having to learn to depend on others in some things, and depend on therapies, medications, etc. in others is so much harder than I would have thought possible. I long to be able to do things spontaneously again.) Am I willing to continue living with pain and all that it entails in order to learn more of God and glorify Him as He uses the instrument of pain to fashion me into His perfect plan? Most days, yes. To be honest, some days…I struggle to let Him have full reign over the body He made and I have given back to Him. Surrender fully to Him.

Surrender. This is something I am admittedly not very good at. Surrender was the timely topic in the message Sunday. It is something I have been trying to learn for well over a year-and am still struggling. The key problem is that I am struggling and trying and striving to surrender. Surrender means not trying, not struggling, not striving. Instead, allow God to completely take over and manage things His way. I know beyond all doubt that His way is not only better, His way is the perfect and the only way that will work out ultimately. However, this head knowledge must work into my heart resulting in true, full surrender to the One Who is supposed to reign as King of my life.

I Surrender All
by Judson W. Van DeVenter

Verse 1:
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.