Blizzard!

I am nice and warm and cozy at home this evening even as the wind blows and the snow falls...and blows. Things are being canceled due to the blizzard outside. Inside, I am making cookies, finishing laundry, grading, listening to Christmas music, watching the snow, listening to the wind, washing dishes, and in general probably doing too many things at once! Yes, I really can hear the wind over the music.

It has been a good day. I have not gotten a lot done, but it has been good anyway. The weather has been bad, but it has still been a good day. I am learning that how "good" a day is has nothing to do with what happens on the day and everything to do with how I perceive it! Posted on my computer desktop is the verse, "This is the day the LORD has made;We will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24. God has made every day and given it to me. Rejoicing is a choice. I can choose to rejoice regardless of circumstances! Rejoicing in every day regardless of circumstances is not a new lesson. However, it has been a challenge to always choose to rejoice every day no matter what the day was like or what was going on. (See note about what is a bad day?) That note was exploring whether what I would typically think of as a bad day really was a bad day. I have decided they are not bad days. Again, it is a matter of perception and making choices.

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving, or giving thanks, is a choice. We are to give thanks in all (1 Thes. 5:18). Below is a list of blessings that I wrote out last summer. I found it today when looking for something else and was blessed all over again. This seemed like an appropriate topic to share so close to the Thanksgiving holiday.

Blessings
July 25 2010

God is good and faithful in all He does. Sometimes, from our small human perspective, we lose sight of Him and the eternal goal. It is a choice to remember that He is sovereign and that whatever He sends or allows are gifts and to be accepted with thankfulness.

Instead of getting frustrated and discouraged with the current situation, I am trying to think of everything I am grateful for. The following list is not necessarily in any particular order, but simply as things came to mind.

I am grateful for:
-My wonderful, supportive, loving family. They pray for me and let me talk/cry through situations with them. I was raised in a loving, God-fearing home!
-My extended family is also a blessing!
-Friends! I have such great friends in so many places. All have been an encouragement to me, and a support in hard times.
-Church families: The first one in Lincoln, NE where I grew up, then Tulsa, OK when I was staying with Mom when she was in aggressive cancer treatment in 2001, then Council Bluffs, IA during my internship, now Ankeny, IA.
-Bible study groups: college and career that meets in Ames, the small ladies’ fellowship group on ISU campus, the ladies’ study through Lake Country. These all are a refreshment and encouragement to me.
-co workers who go out of their way to help me out.
-friends in similar situations to mine. While it is hard to deal with suffering and pain on a daily basis and to know others are also, it is a HUGE encouragement to have others who are in the same circumstances and fully understand all of it. It is such an encouragement to be able to share the lessons that God has taught through otherwise hard times.

Then there are also the little things that can seem really big:
-a day with low enough pain levels that I don’t need medication to manage it.
- the days with high pain levels when I have to cry out to God for the strength to get through each moment.
-a physician or therapist who really listens and works with me.
-swimming! I don’t hurt when I’m in water!

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father Who watches over me unceasingly!

Update on Mom

My mom had more scans done and learned the results last week. The cancer spot on her liver has shrunk so dramatically the radiologist did not see it! Praise the Lord! She is to continue on this chemo for three more months. Then, if everything is still stable, she should be able to take a break from chemo! She would really like that after over 2 years of chemotherapy.

Autumn

Pumpkin Cookies

Apple Crisp

Peanuts and Candy Corn

Conflicting Thoughts

Conflicting thoughts really sums up my quiet time readings that I referred to in my previous post. Contrasts are something that usually catch my attention and this was no exception.

I had read from Daily Light first, then my Bible. A little background information may help put things into perspective as well. At my last appointment with the specialist, I had a friend with me to be an extra set of ears. She had asked if chronic pain ever went away and the physician responded that it did not in his experience. This was both hard and good for me to hear. Hard from the perspective that this was a professional opinion that this is what I will be dealing with the rest of my life. Good in that even after nearly 8 years, I keep clinging to the hope that one day the pain will go away and not come back. This gave a more realistic view of the situation. The following are my readings from the morning of October 6, 2010.

From Daily Light:
"The Lord God omnipotent reigneth." "I know that thou canst do everything." "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." "Abba Father, all things are possible unto thee." "According to your faith be it unto you." "Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed, ...there be more with us than with him." (Revelation 19:6, Job 42:2, Luke 18:27, Mark 14:6, Matthew 9:29, 2 Chronicles 32:7.)
My thoughts after reading this: I have no cause for fear. I have a loving heavenly Father Who can do anything. He has allowed/given me the pain. He can take it away/heal me if that is best. If not, He gives me the grace and strength to get through each moment.
My actual overall perspective was that even if the physician thinks of complete healing as impossible, God can do the impossible. God can heal me if He chooses! Yet, maybe I am lacking in faith? One of the verses refers to healing according to measure of faith. I do honestly believe God can do anything. However, after years of living with pain, possibly my faith in the specific healing in this area has weakened? (Another contrast: I keep hoping to one day be free from pain, yet as the years go by, I think of it as less likely.)

From my Bible reading that same morning:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (A passage that I have found very encouraging over the years. The timing of it coming right after the earlier readings and thoughts struck me.)
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then am I strong."
My thoughts on these verses that morning:
These verses are so encouraging! They fit especially well after reading/writing from Daily Light this morning. God knows what He is doing. I do not need to know his reason/plan. I do need to trust and rest in Him. (I'm kind of afraid to pray for healing as I'm not sure of God's goal with the pain for me.)

After the earlier readings, I was thinking of renewing my prayers for complete healing from the pain. After the later readings, I was afraid to pray for healing. God has done so much in me through it. He must still have some purpose in it. (I am fine with others praying for my healing! I am just uncertain enough to pray for it on my own behalf.)

The contrast between the two sets of verses and corresponding thoughts really caught my attention. This is "conflict" that God can bring into agreement, but that I cannot.

What is a Bad Day?

What is a bad day? This is something I have thinking about a lot lately. It seems like right now life is one bad day after another. The bright spots have been my quiet times with the Lord. In fact, these times with the Lord seem brighter and deeper and more encouraging and refreshing than usual. Is this because of the background of pain and discouragement? Or, is it that God is using the "bad" days to show me my utter dependence upon Him? I honestly do not know the answer to these questions. I suspect it is a combination, but primarily the last one. It is so humbling to realize that it takes this degree of pain to make me realize how helpless I am and just how much I need God's grace and strength for everything.

Week 2 of new medication. Last week was awful. This week, the first couple of days were so much better. I was starting to get excited and think maybe we had found something to help break the pattern of ongoing pain. Then came today. What happened today? Not sure...lots of pain is all I know. Pain that refused to respond and left me fighting to focus, fighting tears, simply trying to make it to the end of the day. Lots of prayer...

Was I putting too much reliance on yet another human solution? Maybe? Regardless, the Lord has reminded me yet again that He is in control. I keep talking of pain control, or pain management. The reality is that there is no semblance of control and I am really not managing things. But, God is with me-carrying me. He loves me and desires the best for me-even if it means pain to achieve His purpose. In all, I must trust and rest fully in Him. He is sovereign, loving and good no matter how things may look at times.

My quiet time this morning was good-exciting and thought provoking. Interesting that it came on a day that ended up like today. I will have to post once I get the thoughts a bit more organized...

God's Grace is Sufficient-Always!

From Daily Light this evening:

Who maketh thee to differ from another? and what hast thou that thou didst not receive?

By the grace of God I am what I am.--Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth.--It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.--Where is boasting then? It is excluded.--Christ Jesus . . . is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: . . . He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.

You hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.--Ye are washed, . . . ye are sanctified, . . . ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

1 COR. 4. 7. 1 Co. 15. 10.--Ja. 1. 18.-- Ro. 9. 16.--Ro. 3. 27.--1 Co. 1. 30, 31. Ep. 2. 1-3.--1 Co. 6. 11.

http://www.mun.ca/rels/restmov/texts/dasc/DLDP1002.HTM

~*~

It has been a hard day after a long hard several weeks. It is always good to be reminded of where my strength comes from and that I am not sufficient in and of myself. God gives strength and grace to meet each need. He knows the path He has prepared for me and He knows and provides for every need. I must trust Him fully and rest in Him.

I am honestly being stretched far beyond my strength. I have found myself crying to the Lord in the evenings in pain and exhaustion that I simply cannot keep going like this. He gently reminds that He knows that I can't and that I must stop trying and instead rest in Him and allow Him to carry me through. His grace is sufficient!